I didn’t call the GP. My eyes reddened and itched like white sand. My joints got the same type of fizzy my head does and I now see myself just like birds do. I’m watching myself as I scrape through the day being just about pleasant and present. Time is a snatch or a stretch or intangible and even the chimps on my back have packed up and jumped ship as they twigged I’m too weak to support them. So much for solidarity you bastards, though I’m not sorry in saying I won’t miss you.

I didn’t call the GP, but I should have. Now it’s days and nights later than the day I hit hay and I’ve not spent a night without waking. Thoughts that formed in the day all gang up in my dreams and make shapes my unconscious can’t shake. Sometimes I hear my Old Man through wall hollering confused in the early AM. Sometimes I just think I imagine them. Sometimes it’s me wailing outr. When I do wake the room makes its own new formed sense as I half see, half tethered to fear. The swamp has risen and thickened over the last place my thoughts get to rest and make sense and find peace. I can’t do this again and have another night like this and even if I did, what’s point in waking. I’m a zombie horizontal or vertical.    

I don’t think about death but I think about life and I know that this isn’t sustainable. I been grey or blue before sure, but this is too close to no colour for comfort. My face wakes me up in a dream shouting down at me so close and so loud I send a 5AM text to a therapist and wait ‘til 8 to contact the GP. I’m so damn proud high that I acted that those very acts gave me some faith.

Sure I’m still tired a week later. But that extreme fatigue, those sandpaper eyes, that disconnect of that new top down view of me, for now, now at least that’s abated. Sleep is wonder, a cure. When it’s disrupted there’s need for attention. Sleep is what replenishes strength and without it we run at a deficit, we lose an inch in height each time it fails. Sure the pills that were given, even in halves are a cheat, and no they don’t help fix the reasons. But they might, under medical prescription and supervision, give me strength to fix things in the day.

And unlike that unfathomable list, maybe I’ll try fix one thing at a time.    

(And just how we got to this post, right here is where it all started….)